Lately I've been thinking a LOT about things I would change, if given the power. That pesky, olive-drab carpet that came with my circa 1971 house? Poof!
Gone, replaced with lovely hardwoods. Cost? Zippo. The giant, overgrown crime-against-nature "natural area" in our backyard? Poof! Instantly, it's a lovely, weed-free garden, bursting with FREE organic tomatoes, blueberries and Dove dark chocolate bars (it's MY fantasy, OK?)
But the biggest, most important thing I would make disappear is the cruel, ugly, heartless disease that keeps stealing bits and pieces of the one thing that really, really mattered to my father. His mind. More specifically, his memory.
I can barely bring myself to use the A-word---this thing is too hideous to have such an innocent name. It doesn't deserve one. One name doesn't remotely encompass how cruel this thing is. It steals from people who deserve everything---people like my dad, who are generous, dry-witted, hard-working and capable. It doesn't care who it hurts. And so it hurts everyone. The grandchildren who don't understand, the grown children who ache for their lost parent, the friends who miss their old pal, even when he's sitting right next to them.
It's taken me months and months to realize that, unlike the carpet or the state of my lawn, this thing that's stealing my dad from me is beyond my reach. I can't totally defeat it, even though the medication that he takes can soothe the edges a bit. I needed help, and so did the extended family members who'd been caring for him back home.
My dad recently moved into an assisted living facility about two miles from my house. The experience has not exactly been smooth, but I dare say it's getting a bit less rocky. We have a private aide who comes in each day to help him get acclimated. J does everything from kindly coaxing my dad to take a shower and shave in the mornings to driving him out for ice cream in the afternoons. The other day I asked if he minded bringing my dad to meet me for lunch at a favorite seafood place.
He obliged, and even though all through the meal my dad kept calling J by the wrong name (he seems to think he's an old co-worker buddy of his) I was relieved to see he's finally treating him like a friend instead of an ever-present annoyance.
About an hour later, as I was driving back to work, I found myself wiping away tears. Again. Not an uncommon occurance for me these days, but this time something was different. I felt weird. What was it? Then it hit me. They were tears of joy. All I'd prayed for in recent weeks, if God couldn't take away this illness, was for Him to grant my dad some precious moments of peace and contentment. For so long, I'd felt my prayers had gone unanswered. But for a few splendid moments, as my dad ate his hushpuppies and smiled at me while I told him about Nate's baseball game, there it was. I recognized it. Peace.
He still has his bad days, and I'm sure there are many more to come, unfortunately. But now, I don't feel so alone anymore. And more importantly, neither does my dad.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Thursday, March 26, 2009
A little Q&A for the day
Q: Should you ever buy a kid a child-size set of gardening tools that have real, working metal parts?
A: Why, NO! You shouldn't. Even if they're brightly colored and kid-like and looking sooo cute out in front of the hardware store. And your kids beg for them and even pitch in some of their own money for them.
Q: Can a child-size hoe, when being used by a 7-year-old to whack a wayward piece of bamboo in the backyard, actually make a dent in the bamboo?
A: No. Not a bit.
Q: Can that same hoe create a half-inch gash in a 5-year-old's head if said 5-year-old happens to be running by during the bamboo massacre, and falls down right in the path of the adorable child-size hoe?
A: Why yes. Yes it can.
Q: Exactly how much blood spouts from a half-inch gash in the fuzzy hairline of a 5-year-old child?
A: Approximately 89 gallons. It helps if he's wearing a mostly white t-shirt, too.
Q: What do you purchase a 5-year-old out of a hospital vending machine, after the ER doc has placed two tiny staples in his head?
A: Anything. He. Wants.
A: Why, NO! You shouldn't. Even if they're brightly colored and kid-like and looking sooo cute out in front of the hardware store. And your kids beg for them and even pitch in some of their own money for them.
Q: Can a child-size hoe, when being used by a 7-year-old to whack a wayward piece of bamboo in the backyard, actually make a dent in the bamboo?
A: No. Not a bit.
Q: Can that same hoe create a half-inch gash in a 5-year-old's head if said 5-year-old happens to be running by during the bamboo massacre, and falls down right in the path of the adorable child-size hoe?
A: Why yes. Yes it can.
Q: Exactly how much blood spouts from a half-inch gash in the fuzzy hairline of a 5-year-old child?
A: Approximately 89 gallons. It helps if he's wearing a mostly white t-shirt, too.
Q: What do you purchase a 5-year-old out of a hospital vending machine, after the ER doc has placed two tiny staples in his head?
A: Anything. He. Wants.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Pass the Bandaids. And the wine.
Work has been soooo crazy. So crazy, but I feel almost guilty complaining about it, given the state of the economy right now. What defines "crazy" in my world is being asked to do not one, but several things that are far, far out of my comfort zone, and to do them incredibly well. Then yesterday, there I was, feeling good about the fact that it was Friday and I had at least overcome the panic of having to do the other things, I get asked to do yet another incredibly uncomfortable thing- - -and at the same time as the other thing!
Once I had splashed myself in the face with my coffee (not really) and had a little cry in the ladies' room (true, but quietly)and vented to poor Mark after I got home and stomped up the stairs to change clothes (also true, though not so quietly), I finally processed through it all. Now, NEXT Friday is dangling in front of me like a carrot- - -all the bad work-related stuff will be out of the way by then, and believe me, this donkey can't wait for it to get here!
Work isn't the only hyper-nutso thing; there's also my dad's illness back home, and various other ickiness here and there. In between juggling these 900-pound balls of life, I've comforted myself with many merciful Band-Aids or quick-comforts:
Cuddling Nate in his fleece PJ's every morning.
Snuggling with Liv in the big leather chair reading American Girl books.
Watching Trust Me, The Closer or Damages with Mark after the kids are in bed.
Sipping hot coffee with half-n-half while watching the above DVR'd masterpieces.
I sure will be glad when this "hump" of triage mode is over. Band-Aids are great for the short-term, but I'm ready to be boo-boo free for awhile!
Once I had splashed myself in the face with my coffee (not really) and had a little cry in the ladies' room (true, but quietly)and vented to poor Mark after I got home and stomped up the stairs to change clothes (also true, though not so quietly), I finally processed through it all. Now, NEXT Friday is dangling in front of me like a carrot- - -all the bad work-related stuff will be out of the way by then, and believe me, this donkey can't wait for it to get here!
Work isn't the only hyper-nutso thing; there's also my dad's illness back home, and various other ickiness here and there. In between juggling these 900-pound balls of life, I've comforted myself with many merciful Band-Aids or quick-comforts:
Cuddling Nate in his fleece PJ's every morning.
Snuggling with Liv in the big leather chair reading American Girl books.
Watching Trust Me, The Closer or Damages with Mark after the kids are in bed.
Sipping hot coffee with half-n-half while watching the above DVR'd masterpieces.
I sure will be glad when this "hump" of triage mode is over. Band-Aids are great for the short-term, but I'm ready to be boo-boo free for awhile!
Sunday, February 1, 2009
February---keepin' in real
I realize I left my poor journal hanging with my last post---and yes, it actually did snow that night. We got around 3 inches in these parts and the next day was everything a snow day should be. The kids managed to sleep until a little past 7, which is miraculous considering how ramped up they were. I had already been up for nearly two hours, having sat bolt upright at 5:15 a.m. and called my work's inclement weather hotline, to see if my office was closed. And mercifully, it was. I couldn't get back to sleep, so I put on my slippers and headed downstairs to enjoy a cup or three of coffee in sweet solitude.
Later, I managed to convince the kids to postpone the sledding and micro-snowman making until after breakfast, which was indeed French toast thanks to my panic-driven trip to the store for eggs!
We dragged our little plastic sled over to the our neighbors', since their backyard has a nice slope. We had a blast for a good 45 minutes until poor Liv went down on her tummy, head first, and plowed right into the fence at the bottom of the hill. I raced down there, convinced that we weren't going to escape a winter without a trip to urgent care, but her cheek was just a little bruised. She was ready to go inside after that, though---her pride was also bruised from wiping out and then wailing in front of her friends. Poor baby. Nate went inside with us, but after a quick warm-up and some hot chocolate, he was ready to go back out. He went in and out about 49 times throughout the course of the day, determined to make the most out of every flake out there. Thank goodness Mark didn't mind going back out with him; after my feet thawed out I was reluctant to poke my tootsies back out onto the tundra.
It's hard to believe that was nearly two weeks ago, and now Februrary is here! Before I flipped the calendar page this morning, I took one long look at January. I really love January- - -it's typically a time of fresh starts, warm stews and our best shot at getting some snow. I also took a minute to reflect on how my resolutions have been holding up. Here's the short list.
Resolution: I will eat salmon and/or flax cereal at least three times a week to get more Omega 3's in my diet.
The reality: I gulp two huge fish oil capsules every morning.
Resolution: I will get up 30 minutes earlier every morning to exercise.
The reality: I bought a new comforter for the bed as a belated Christmas gift to hubs and me. It's poufy, oversized and snuggly. Also, I am apparently trapped beneath it until the snooze button has been pressed no less than 17 times.
Resolution: I will volunteer more often at the kids' school.
The reality: THIS one I can check. I have shown up three times to be "reading buddy" for some kids in Nate's class, and once in Liv's. There's nothing like seeing the teacher's face when you show up to help. Makes you feel like the calvary.
Resolution: I will figure out a way to resolve a family health crisis back home, one that will benefit everyone involved.
The reality: Fortunately, it's only February. This one could take awhile.
Later, I managed to convince the kids to postpone the sledding and micro-snowman making until after breakfast, which was indeed French toast thanks to my panic-driven trip to the store for eggs!
We dragged our little plastic sled over to the our neighbors', since their backyard has a nice slope. We had a blast for a good 45 minutes until poor Liv went down on her tummy, head first, and plowed right into the fence at the bottom of the hill. I raced down there, convinced that we weren't going to escape a winter without a trip to urgent care, but her cheek was just a little bruised. She was ready to go inside after that, though---her pride was also bruised from wiping out and then wailing in front of her friends. Poor baby. Nate went inside with us, but after a quick warm-up and some hot chocolate, he was ready to go back out. He went in and out about 49 times throughout the course of the day, determined to make the most out of every flake out there. Thank goodness Mark didn't mind going back out with him; after my feet thawed out I was reluctant to poke my tootsies back out onto the tundra.
It's hard to believe that was nearly two weeks ago, and now Februrary is here! Before I flipped the calendar page this morning, I took one long look at January. I really love January- - -it's typically a time of fresh starts, warm stews and our best shot at getting some snow. I also took a minute to reflect on how my resolutions have been holding up. Here's the short list.
Resolution: I will eat salmon and/or flax cereal at least three times a week to get more Omega 3's in my diet.
The reality: I gulp two huge fish oil capsules every morning.
Resolution: I will get up 30 minutes earlier every morning to exercise.
The reality: I bought a new comforter for the bed as a belated Christmas gift to hubs and me. It's poufy, oversized and snuggly. Also, I am apparently trapped beneath it until the snooze button has been pressed no less than 17 times.
Resolution: I will volunteer more often at the kids' school.
The reality: THIS one I can check. I have shown up three times to be "reading buddy" for some kids in Nate's class, and once in Liv's. There's nothing like seeing the teacher's face when you show up to help. Makes you feel like the calvary.
Resolution: I will figure out a way to resolve a family health crisis back home, one that will benefit everyone involved.
The reality: Fortunately, it's only February. This one could take awhile.
Monday, January 19, 2009
I smell (smeyull) snow!
As a born-and-raised southern gal, I grew up fairly snow-deprived. Hubs had his share in Ohio, where, in fact, he DID actually walk to school in the snow, and often. Ask him. He'll tell you. Many times.
But now I get to watch my kids slowly realize that living below the Mason-Dixon ain't what it's cracked up to be if you want to see some white stuff. It's kind of heart-breaking.
But today. Today! Today we actually heard a bonafide forecast that includes one of those low-pressure thingies coming down from Canada, combined with just the right amount of moisture and if the planets align with Mars and the moon is exactly 3/4 full we might actually get up to FOUR INCHES OF SNOW TONIGHT, PEOPLE!!
And, of course, living up to my southern roots, upon hearing this forecast I totally freaked and bolted to the supermarket. I honestly couldn't help myself. Did we already have milk in the fridge? Yes. Bread in the breadbox? Yupper. But alas, the force was too strong. We needed eggs, because what if we were totally snowed in and wanted French toast? Huh? What then? We also needed little juice boxes because what if work closes and I want to lay in bed an extra 30 minutes and one of the kids wants juice? What then?!!
So, I went. I conquered. And now it's all put away and the kids and I are waiting. And waiting. Liv and Nate have gone from playing games to playing cards to nearly killing eachother to playing again. As for me, I don't know what's more exciting, watching the snow actually fall and stick to the ground or the sheer anticipation of its arrival.
I'd better go make some cocoa to calm my nerves. I bought some of that too.
But now I get to watch my kids slowly realize that living below the Mason-Dixon ain't what it's cracked up to be if you want to see some white stuff. It's kind of heart-breaking.
But today. Today! Today we actually heard a bonafide forecast that includes one of those low-pressure thingies coming down from Canada, combined with just the right amount of moisture and if the planets align with Mars and the moon is exactly 3/4 full we might actually get up to FOUR INCHES OF SNOW TONIGHT, PEOPLE!!
And, of course, living up to my southern roots, upon hearing this forecast I totally freaked and bolted to the supermarket. I honestly couldn't help myself. Did we already have milk in the fridge? Yes. Bread in the breadbox? Yupper. But alas, the force was too strong. We needed eggs, because what if we were totally snowed in and wanted French toast? Huh? What then? We also needed little juice boxes because what if work closes and I want to lay in bed an extra 30 minutes and one of the kids wants juice? What then?!!
So, I went. I conquered. And now it's all put away and the kids and I are waiting. And waiting. Liv and Nate have gone from playing games to playing cards to nearly killing eachother to playing again. As for me, I don't know what's more exciting, watching the snow actually fall and stick to the ground or the sheer anticipation of its arrival.
I'd better go make some cocoa to calm my nerves. I bought some of that too.
Monday, January 12, 2009
January-The month in which everything gets organized, except my thoughts
Somehow, over the last few years, January became the month when all the magazines and home shows urged us to "GET ORGANIZED!" and "CLEAN OUT THE CLUTTER!" I always seem to think they're talking directly to me, so I feel guilty if I don't at least make an attempt.
This year, however, Hubs is the one who heard the charge. One day right after Christmas he completely revamped the hall closet. I had grown so used to various hats, gloves, and old purses falling on my head whenever I opened the door that I don't quite know what to do with all the newfound space in there.
We did steal an idea from a neighbor and put a large basket in the bottom of the closet to deposit our shoes in when we walk in the door. This was more an attempt to corral everyone's shoes in one spot so they could easily be found, rather than an attempt to keep the floors clean. So far, it's working! No more searching under beds and room to room looking for SOMEONE'S Hannah Montana sneakers.
As much as we love the holidays, it does feel good to be back in some sort of a routine. The winter days have also prompted me to make the slow cooker my slave.
Here's what's been on the menu lately:
1. Creamy potato soup, done in the crockpot. Fed us all for two meals plus a lunch or two, for around $10 total. I found my recipe on Allrecipes.com, but my good friend the innernets has lots of other great ones too.
2. Pork loin, cooked with onions, a little water, and a packet of Knorr pork gravy mix (my special secret). All the gravy needs is a little stir when you get home, and you've got wonderful, fork-tender pork loin to go with it.
3. Chicken vegetable soup- - -this one wasn't done in the crockpot but instead I cooked it up one night after the kiddos were in bed, then cooled it down, froze half for a future meal and stuck the rest in the fridge. It's basically like any other chicken soup recipe except I add lots of cut-up veggies plus petite-diced tomatoes,a little okra and wide egg noodles. Delish.
4. This one's in my near future (like this Tuesday night): My Aunt Sybil's chili. She served it the day after Christmas and I observed one Nathaniel Pellin slurp up two bowls of it, so I had to have the recipe. It was good to see Mr. No-Sauce-On-My-Spaghetti eat cooked tomatoes in some form.
What I've been reading lately: "Change Me Into Zeus' Daughter" by Barbara Robinette Moss. This book was loaned (given, maybe?) to me by my cousin over the holidays and I couldn't put it down for about four days. It's an absolutely heartbreaking memoir, but so beautifully written.
And Cousin, please let me know if you need the book back because I want to pass it on!
I'm currently on the waiting list at our library for "I Was Told There'd Be Cake"--the name of the author escapes me right now, but I've heard it's funny and I could definitely use a giggle or two!
This year, however, Hubs is the one who heard the charge. One day right after Christmas he completely revamped the hall closet. I had grown so used to various hats, gloves, and old purses falling on my head whenever I opened the door that I don't quite know what to do with all the newfound space in there.
We did steal an idea from a neighbor and put a large basket in the bottom of the closet to deposit our shoes in when we walk in the door. This was more an attempt to corral everyone's shoes in one spot so they could easily be found, rather than an attempt to keep the floors clean. So far, it's working! No more searching under beds and room to room looking for SOMEONE'S Hannah Montana sneakers.
As much as we love the holidays, it does feel good to be back in some sort of a routine. The winter days have also prompted me to make the slow cooker my slave.
Here's what's been on the menu lately:
1. Creamy potato soup, done in the crockpot. Fed us all for two meals plus a lunch or two, for around $10 total. I found my recipe on Allrecipes.com, but my good friend the innernets has lots of other great ones too.
2. Pork loin, cooked with onions, a little water, and a packet of Knorr pork gravy mix (my special secret). All the gravy needs is a little stir when you get home, and you've got wonderful, fork-tender pork loin to go with it.
3. Chicken vegetable soup- - -this one wasn't done in the crockpot but instead I cooked it up one night after the kiddos were in bed, then cooled it down, froze half for a future meal and stuck the rest in the fridge. It's basically like any other chicken soup recipe except I add lots of cut-up veggies plus petite-diced tomatoes,a little okra and wide egg noodles. Delish.
4. This one's in my near future (like this Tuesday night): My Aunt Sybil's chili. She served it the day after Christmas and I observed one Nathaniel Pellin slurp up two bowls of it, so I had to have the recipe. It was good to see Mr. No-Sauce-On-My-Spaghetti eat cooked tomatoes in some form.
What I've been reading lately: "Change Me Into Zeus' Daughter" by Barbara Robinette Moss. This book was loaned (given, maybe?) to me by my cousin over the holidays and I couldn't put it down for about four days. It's an absolutely heartbreaking memoir, but so beautifully written.
And Cousin, please let me know if you need the book back because I want to pass it on!
I'm currently on the waiting list at our library for "I Was Told There'd Be Cake"--the name of the author escapes me right now, but I've heard it's funny and I could definitely use a giggle or two!
Sunday, December 21, 2008
I Laugh, Then I Cry. It Must Be Christmastime. . .
The Smiles:
1. Starbuck's peppermint mocha. And it tastes even better in the little red cup.
2. Playing A Charlie Brown Christmas on the stereo while decorating. And seeing Nate learn that crazy Peanuts shoulder-shrug dance from his dad, the master.
3. Watching Liv and Nate sing in the choir; I sure wish my mom could see them.
4. And a smile soon to come: seeing Mark and our brother-in-law, Dan, play wisemen at the Christmas Eve service. Complete with headdress and robes. Excellent.
5. Opening all the cards from faraway friends and seeing how their kids have grown.
The Tears:
1. Knowing that this will likely be the last year we have two firm Santa-believers in the house.
2. Sitting in the coffee shop recently, I saw a 60-ish woman with her daughter at a nearby table. At one point the daughter pulled a red sweater out of one of her shopping bags and held it up to the mom, admiringly. The mom reached over and brushed a crumb off her daughter's chin, as natural as breathing. I had to leave before I started blubbering into my mint mocha.
3. Finding Zoe's little empty stocking in a box of decorations.
4. Watching A Charlie Brown Christmas---yes, the CD is on the "smiles" list, but I just can't take seeing that sad little Christmas tree! And yet, I can't look away. . .:o)
I've been shown so much love and mercy in '08, not the least of which has come from my friends and family. I hope all of you have a wonderful holiday and may '09 be the year that we all resolve anything we've struggled with in the past year. Merry Christmas, y'all!
1. Starbuck's peppermint mocha. And it tastes even better in the little red cup.
2. Playing A Charlie Brown Christmas on the stereo while decorating. And seeing Nate learn that crazy Peanuts shoulder-shrug dance from his dad, the master.
3. Watching Liv and Nate sing in the choir; I sure wish my mom could see them.
4. And a smile soon to come: seeing Mark and our brother-in-law, Dan, play wisemen at the Christmas Eve service. Complete with headdress and robes. Excellent.
5. Opening all the cards from faraway friends and seeing how their kids have grown.
The Tears:
1. Knowing that this will likely be the last year we have two firm Santa-believers in the house.
2. Sitting in the coffee shop recently, I saw a 60-ish woman with her daughter at a nearby table. At one point the daughter pulled a red sweater out of one of her shopping bags and held it up to the mom, admiringly. The mom reached over and brushed a crumb off her daughter's chin, as natural as breathing. I had to leave before I started blubbering into my mint mocha.
3. Finding Zoe's little empty stocking in a box of decorations.
4. Watching A Charlie Brown Christmas---yes, the CD is on the "smiles" list, but I just can't take seeing that sad little Christmas tree! And yet, I can't look away. . .:o)
I've been shown so much love and mercy in '08, not the least of which has come from my friends and family. I hope all of you have a wonderful holiday and may '09 be the year that we all resolve anything we've struggled with in the past year. Merry Christmas, y'all!
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