Under water

That's how I feel these days.  Slowly moving under water, coming up for air, going back down again, but still surviving. 
Our sweet Beth left this earth on May 31, 2015.   It feels like a lifetime ago and then some moments it rushes back to the present and leaves us gasping, begging for it not to be true. 

My grief feels self indulgent.  Her children , her husband and her mother are the ones who undoubtedly hurt the worst, who lost the most.   We all lost so much.    All I can do is pray that I can offer my hands for help, and be the aunt, sister-in-law and daughter-in-law they deserve.  

I also live with Beth's big brother, who was her friend and protector.  I also live with her beloved niece and nephew, who screamed and cried and raged at the loss.   I want to love them through this.  We are still so angry, hurt, tender and raw.   Dear Lord--help us.  

Today my mother-in-law is in Asheville staying with my niece, who is attending a summer Ballet program there.     We miss them and we are descending upon them this weekend, summer storms and all.   My brother-in-law and nephew will also meet us there.  Today Olivia and Nate are also returning from a week at a mission camp in Tennessee, and we'll hit the road tomorrow to head west again.  They can't wait to see their grandma and cousins.    It's something to look forward to.  We need these little things; one step, one breath at a time.